Iraqi WMD found in Vermont
Update: we are now at War with Vermont
The mystery of Saddam Hussein’s weapons of the mass destruction (WMD) has finally been solved. Operatives from the Central Intelligence Agency with the help of Karl Rove and Ann Coulter (recently engaged to Michael Moore, as reported exclusively on TFR), have recently uncovered evidence that Iraqi WMD had in fact been housed largely in Vermont, which explains why UN inspectors and US forces have been unable to find any trace of them in Iraq. Early yesterday morning, General Michael V. Hayden, Acting Director of Intelligence, made the initial announcement to an excited press corps in the CIA press room at CIA headquarters in Langley, VA. General Hayden had few details to give out, but indicated that the president would address the press later in the day once Mr. Bush had the time to be fully briefed on the implications of the discovery .
President Bush gave a follow-up press conference 3:00pm EDT in which he said that this discovery finally vindicated his Iraq strategy. “We’ve had some detractators, some people who didn’t like, who felt we made the wrong decision in Iraq,” said the President, “but this cache of Iraqi WMD in Vermont shows that we have been on the, that the tack we took, that we were right to attack Saddam. The incredible work by the CIA, Karl Rove and Ms. Coulter has finally vindicated our strategy and I think we can all sleep better at night knowing that these weapons have finally been found and the Vermont traitors uncovered. Over the next days we will be talking to the leaders of Vermont and the UN to try to bring this to a peaceful resolution.”
Asked whether or not there were any major intelligence lapses in light of the fact that it took two years to find weapons that were right in our backyard, the president insisted that his intelligence had been good, but conceded that “Thanks to the excellent work by Ms. Coutler, we have known that Vermont housed a large number of hostile forces, but the truth is that we may not have investigated this possibility as aggressively as we could have. I want to stress however, that it it is impossible to investigate every possibility. There are known knowns and unknown knowns and known unknows or something like that. Anyway, you can’t know everything.” The president refused to elaborate, but analysts said that despite intensive training by evil, crazy bitch utter nutcase well-known commentator Ann Coulter, author of “How to Talk to a Liberal”, the administration and the intelligence services did not have enough analysts and translators capable of speaking liberal. Therefore intelligence coverage of Vermont has been lacking since roughly 2000.
Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is scheduled to speak to the UN on Tuesday and present evidence against Vermont in hopes of creating an international coalition to bring the rogue state into compliance with international American Karl Rove’s rulings. Mr. Bush said that the UN had offered to let Secretary Rice speak on Monday, but the administration refused to accept that date in protest over the anti-Americanism of the Unitied Nations as evidenced by its choice to celebrate Labor Day not in September like it should, but on May 1 like every other country in the world.
Related: US declares war on Vermont
[note: in recent months, the percentage of Americans believing that Iraq had WMD has actually been rising despite the fact that no new evidence has surfaced]
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technorati cosmos
September 6th, 2006 at 7:45 am
[...] President Bush addressed the nation this morning and announced that the formerly United States had declared war against Vermont and had kicked traitor state out of the Union. “This rogue state has produced noted traitors Howard Dean and Pat Leahy. We have tried to deal with Vermont through diplomatic channels and sanctions, but with the discovery of Iraqi WMD in Vermont, we have needed to progress to the next step.” The president was of course referring to Friday’s revelation that US forces had been unable to find WMD in Iraq because Iraqi WMD were in fact being stored and hidden in the rogue state of Vermont. Yesterday, Dr Condoleeza Rice, US Secretary of State, addressed the United Nations Security Council seeking a UN resolution to impose further sanctions against Vermont and ultimately to approve UN military action against the rogue state. Dr Rice showed satellite surveillance photos of a chemical weapons facility near Waterbury, Vermont, claming that Saddam Hussein’s chemical weapons would finally be located in that facility. The Vermont delegate to the UN contends that the facility is in fact an ice cream plant. Dr Rice, however, refuted that assertion and argued that classified evidence that she was unable to release to the United Nations proved that it was in fact a chemical weapons facility. Unfortunately for the Bush administration, the Security Council demurred. Members were less receptive to these allegations than they were to similar allegations Colin Powell presented to the UN in the leadup to the Iraq War. UN Secretary General Kofi Anan told journalists that members of the Security Council were simply not convinced. The big slap in the face of the day was that the Bush administration got little support from the British, despite the fact that Vermont insurgents’ had launched an unprovoked attack on a British military installation in 1775. Mr. Anan said that despite the history of the rogue state, many Security Council members, including the British, felt that Vermont should be welcome in the community of nations since that rogue state had not had any known ties with terrorists in the ensuing 231 years since the Ticondergoa attack. [...]