A long-standing mystery was finally laid to rest yesterday afternoon. Just three months after a fruitless Chicago-area search for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa, we now know where the union boss’ last resting place is, or was until Malibu Police Department forensic specialists dug up the body beneath the altar of a Malibu church. Over the years since the famous Teamster boss disappeared in 1972, tipsters have sent law enforcement officials on numerous fruitless searches, including this summer’s search in Illinois. It had long been thought that Hoffa had been killed by mobsters, but the evidence now points to Mel Gibson, 50 years old, of Malibu, California. Mr. Gibson, a native-born US citizen with a strange accent, listed his occupation as actor in arrest documents. At the time of his arrest, he is reported to have told officials that they could not exhume the remains in the altar because “I fucking own Malibu.” In theory, the bones beneath a Catholic altar should be relics of a saint, but DNA testing will prove whether or not these remains belonged to a saint, or a feared and corrupt union boss. In the meantime, the suspect has made numerous incriminating remarks that suggest we may not need to await the DNA evidence to have our answer.
The break in the case came during a routine traffic stop for drunk driving. When stopped, Mr. Gibson, slurring his speech, said that “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world, just like that kike bastard Jimmy Hoffa. That’s why I offed him.” Informed that Mr. Hoffa was not Jewish, Mr Gibson said “Well, he’s from New York. They’re all Jews there.” Informed that Mr. Hoffa was not from New York, Mr. Gibson said “Well, it was an honest mistake. I guess I was drunk at the time.”
At his arraignment, Mr. Gibson told the judge that he had a disease and was seeking treatment. He begged forgiveness from the Jewish community, the Teamsters, New Yorkers, and the Hoffa family. “I know my actions and words have been truly hurtful,” said Mr. Gibson, “but I believe in a loving God, who loves all people, Christians, kikes and Teamsters alike, and I hope that God will forgive me. I cannot expect the kikes, the Teamsters and the Hoffas to forgive or forget, but I hope they will understand that I am deeply regretful and that I only said those hurtful words and killed that guy because I was drunk at the time. This is not the way I comport myself on those rare occasions when I am not drunk.” Authorities are still uncertain regarding the veracity of Mr. Gibson’s confession. Stated Moshe Greebaum, a profiler with the Anti-Defamation League: “Serial anti-Semites often lie about their crimes, exaggerating the number of anti-Semitic acts committed in order to increase their prestige with other anti-Semites. We’re still trying to verify that Mr. Gibson did indeed commit the crimes that he claims he committed. If the allegations are verified, we categorically reject the ‘I was drunk at the time’ defense.”
Assuming that the allegations are proved to be true, Teamster spokesman John Redgraf said that Mr. Gibson’s apology did not go far enough. “It’s really not okay to kill the leader of the second largest union in the nation, mistakenly thinking he’s Jewish, and then say you’re sorry and you only did it because you were drunk at the time.” Christian leaders, on the other hand, were divided. Ray Carlson of the Ecumenical Council of Fundamentalist Southern Baptist Churches said that he thought Mr. Gibson’s actions and remarks might be forgiven by God, but could not be excused by man and that Gibson should be punished to the full extent of the law. Father Carl Raymond of the Saint Agatha Catholic Church, which belongs to the same offshoot of Catholicism as Gibson’s church, which has been excommunicated by Rome, said “Mel really doesn’t mean those things he says and does when he is drunk. I have counseled him and know him to be truly, truly sorry. All men are sinners and all men make mistakes. The mark of our humanity is our ability to forgive.”
Los Angeles County District Attorney Ron Melmink said “We’ll see what the evidence shows, but as for what action we might take, let’s put it this way. The ‘ability to forgive’ is not in my job description.”