War with Vermont!

Rice Addresses UN

President Bush addressed the nation this morning and announced that the formerly United States had declared war against Vermont and had kicked traitor state out of the Union. “This rogue state has produced noted traitors Howard Dean and Pat Leahy. We have tried to deal with Vermont through diplomatic channels and sanctions, but with the discovery of Iraqi WMD in Vermont, we have needed to progress to the next step.” The president was of course referring to Friday’s revelation that US forces had been unable to find WMD in Iraq because Iraqi WMD were in fact being stored and hidden in the rogue state of Vermont.

Yesterday, Dr Condoleeza Rice, US Secretary of State, addressed the United Nations Security Council seeking a UN resolution to impose further sanctions against Vermont and ultimately to approve UN military action against the rogue state. Dr Rice showed satellite surveillance photos of a chemical weapons facility near Waterbury, Vermont, claming that Saddam Hussein’s chemical weapons would finally be located in that facility. The Vermont delegate to the UN contends that the facility is in fact an ice cream plant. Dr Rice, however, refuted that assertion and argued that classified evidence that she was unable to release to the United Nations proved that it was in fact a chemical weapons facility. Unfortunately for the Bush administration, the Security Council demurred. Members were less receptive to these allegations than they were to similar allegations Colin Powell presented to the UN in the leadup to the Iraq War. UN Secretary General Kofi Anan told journalists that members of the Security Council were simply not convinced. The big slap in the face of the day was that the Bush administration got little support from the British, despite the fact that Vermont insurgents’ had launched an unprovoked attack on a British military installation in 1775. Mr. Anan said that despite the history of the rogue state, many Security Council members, including the British, felt that Vermont should be welcome in the community of nations since that rogue state had not had any known ties with terrorists in the ensuing 231 years since the Ticondergoa attack.

President Bush said that since the United Nations was not going to reign in rogue states, the United States would “go it alone and fight the good fight” and that “a state of war currently exists between the United States and Vermont.” National Guard troops have been called up in Massachusetts and New Hampshire, but President Bush said that a hot war could be avoided if the state of Vermont would turn over its WMD and allow inspectors into their facilities.

The new president of the Republic of Vermont, Ben Cohen, said that they had been offering free tours of the chemical weapons/ice cream plant in question for many years now. He said that inspectors were welcome at any time except Christmas and Thanksgiving and that tours/inspections leave every hour on the hour, 10:00am to 4:00pm. As for turning over their chemical weapons, Mr Cohen noted that every inspector/visitor is offered a free sample straight from the vats after every tour/inspection. He noted that while the Republic of Vermont would not be blackmailed by the superpower that engulfs it, Mr Cohen said that if it would avert a war, the Republic of Vermont was willing to offer Mr Bush “a lifetime supply of weapons-grade Chunky Monkey in return for a promise to keep US troops and Karl Rove out of Vermont.” A response is expected from the Bush administration sometime late in the day tomorrow.

Popularity: 10% [?]

Add to:  del.icio.us   • furl   • reddit
  • digg   • technorati cosmos

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.