While the tabloids obsess over Brad and Angelina, the mainstream papers are in a tizzy over the latest announcement on the marriage front: Ann Coulter and Michael Moore, poster children for the right and the left respectively, have announced their engagement. The wedding is planned for this October. The relationship between the right-wing author and commentator and the left-wing author and filmmaker has prompted intense speculation over the last few months, but few people outside of their miniscule circle of mutual friends expected anything like this. (more…)

Rice Addresses UN

President Bush addressed the nation this morning and announced that the formerly United States had declared war against Vermont and had kicked traitor state out of the Union. “This rogue state has produced noted traitors Howard Dean and Pat Leahy. We have tried to deal with Vermont through diplomatic channels and sanctions, but with the discovery of Iraqi WMD in Vermont, we have needed to progress to the next step.” The president was of course referring to Friday’s revelation that US forces had been unable to find WMD in Iraq because Iraqi WMD were in fact being stored and hidden in the rogue state of Vermont.
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Update: we are now at War with Vermont

The mystery of Saddam Hussein’s weapons of the mass destruction (WMD) has finally been solved. Operatives from the Central Intelligence Agency with the help of Karl Rove and Ann Coulter (recently engaged to Michael Moore, as reported exclusively on TFR), have recently uncovered evidence that Iraqi WMD had in fact been housed largely in Vermont, which explains why UN inspectors and US forces have been unable to find any trace of them in Iraq. Early yesterday morning, General Michael V. Hayden, Acting Director of Intelligence, made the initial announcement to an excited press corps in the CIA press room at CIA headquarters in Langley, VA. General Hayden had few details to give out, but indicated that the president would address the press later in the day once Mr. Bush had the time to be fully briefed on the implications of the discovery .
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A long-standing mystery was finally laid to rest yesterday afternoon. Just three months after a fruitless Chicago-area search for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa, we now know where the union boss’ last resting place is, or was until Malibu Police Department forensic specialists dug up the body beneath the altar of a Malibu church. (more…)

Rise of extreme bowling blamed by industry

Consumer protection advocates have released a study today showing that bowling-related deaths have seen a 100 percent increase through the first half of 2006 compared to the same period last year. From January 1, 2005 until June 30, 2005, combined data from the International Bowling Federation (IBF), the Consumer Protection Agency (CPA), the American Council of Surgeons (ACS) and Manny Kowalski from Beloit Lanes in Beloit, Wisconsin (Manny) record two bowling deaths whose primary cause was bowling or bowling equipment. The figure does not include deaths due to natural causes while bowling, deaths due to fights while bowling, or deaths due to bowling equipment while not bowling. Over the same period this year, there have been four bowling deaths due to bowling or bowling equipment. (more…)

Complementary service to Google Earth

Google Inc, of some place in California, announced today that it would release a new service, Google Washington, as a complement to its Google Earth service. Ron Elway, a spokesman for the somewhere-in-California-based company said “Given the popularity of our Google Earth product, we have decided to cover other regions of the known universe. We have chosen to roll out Google Washington this year, and will building other services in the new future.” Speaking off the record, a highly-placed employee at Google said that depending on the success of Google Washington, the company would develop similar applications for Google Fairyland, Google Wonderland and Google Never Never Land. (more…)

In a move that shocked the international diplomatic community, Switzerland today declared neutrality on Sweden. The small land-locked European nation is best known for declaring neutrality on Nazi German during World War II and on Turkey during the latter nation’s struggle with Kurdish separatists. A small group of neo-con scholars thinkers commentators have long noticed the menacing buildup of Swiss defensive facilities such as residential bomb shelters and bridges ready to be destroyed to keep invaders out which have given Switzerland a dominant neutral position in foreign affairs. Despite this massive buildup of non-weaponized deffensive facilities (NWDF), Switzerland has largely been able to fly under the radar. Having not attacked a foreign nation in a few centuries, mainstream analysts have paid little attention to the Swiss NWDF buildup, allowing Swiss preparations for today’s stunning declaration to go largely unnoticed, like the nation itself. (more…)